The Unveiling Of Laura
(I have been asked to make available the speech I gave at the funeral of my older sister, Laura Beth Gann. She passed in September of 2007. The service was not recorded so using my outline and memory I have tried to recreate my words here.
I had not planned on speaking. While driving to the funeral home the day before the service, it dawned on me that much of the packed house would be from her places of work – people who only knew her serious side. The outline I see here on my desk formed in my mind as I drove, and I asked my family if I could deliver it. The speech was only a small part of a great service that lifted everyone’s spirits, and many people thanked me for giving it. To them, I say it was an honor to speak for such a great lady.)
On behalf of the family, I thank you for your presence today to help us celebrate the life of Laura Gann. We wish to publicly thank the one leading our singing and these two preachers behind me for the loan of their talents to help us.
I asked my family if I could use this time to interject some comedy. That may seem odd to many of you at first because several here only knew the serious side of Laura. I want you to come to know a different side of my sister. There will be a potluck tonight after the burial and you are all invited, and we will tell many more stories there, but life being what it is I understand many of you will have other obligations. For your sake, there are some items I can’t let pass without mention.
Now that she lies here in state, it is time to address a particular group of people that are in this audience and dismiss two myths that have surrounded Laura for decades. To all of the sweet ladies at church who are over 65 who have told me all of my life how “sweet” and “quiet” Laura always was, I am raising my voice to tell you SHE WAS NEITHER SWEET NOR QUIET!
Sweet? I guess the case could be made that she was sweet every once-in-a-while. I saw it in her – once. But listen; the two happiest days of my life were 1) when I got married and 2) the day I finally got big enough to whip her so I didn’t have to be her punching bag anymore!
Laura was the unmatched master of the set-up, and she could lie in wait for months if need be until the time was right and then BAM! When you didn’t see it coming, she got you with the sucker punch right in the kidney and down you went. Let me tell you just how “sweet” she was. I don’t see him in the audience, but I made sure a certain gentleman knew about this service. He was a former employee at the driver’s license division along with Laura. This fella was quite a character and considered himself a pretty fair prankster. Now I don’t know what this fella did to become the target of Laura’s sweetness – in fact, I don’t know if he did anything to her personally! – but something happened because she put him in her sights.
I was a little boy at the time so I didn’t know the whole plan but I remember Laura and Mom in the kitchen making fresh fried pies. Oh they were beautiful! The kitchen smelled so good. I remember Laura and Mom giggling when they stuck a toothpick into one and only one particular pie.
I wasn’t at her workplace, of course, so all of this is second-hand, but they conveniently had a staff meeting where Laura started handing out these pies. Now this fella and I have one thing in common – we both have very big mouths. He got that fried pie and put about half of it in his mouth. Those onions and jalapenos and caballeros hit his taste buds and he turned beet red and started jumping up and down! And wouldn’t you know, somebody had arranged for all the liquids to be gone from the meeting room!
I see several of her co-workers from the auditor’s office here and I understand they have their own story about Laura regarding snowman poop, but I’m just gonna let you wonder about that one…
But not only did she have you ladies fooled about being sweet, she really pulled the wool over your eyes about being quiet! If I had a nickel for every time you told me how sweet she was, I could go on a cruise. But if I had that same nickel for every time I had to bite my tongue while you told me how quiet she was, we could all get on the ship! Yet I couldn’t say anything to you ‘cause I was raised right; my parents taught me to respect my elders so I’d just look at you knowing you had completely lost your mind!
One of the things Dad was most proud about of his sons was that we were all willing to lead singing. I’d take my turn on a Sunday morning and when the service was over you same sweet ladies would tell me what a good job I did and how you could tell I was W. A.’s son, etc. Hey – I could barely make it across the parking lot before Laura would start in on my case!
“Why did you lead those songs? Were you determined to ruin everybody’s day? Those are the worst songs in the book! I don’t know why anybody would even want to come back after that! Were you trying to bring us all down?” Etc.
Laura didn’t have a quiet day in her entire life, and she was especially not quiet or sweet if anyone said anything about her nephews or nieces. If you did in her presence, you were climbing into the ring for the great catfight of all time and you were gonna bleed.
Having addressed you sweet ladies over 65, I want to talk to the whole group with a section I’ve called, “Did you know?”
Did you know Laura went to state in high school because of her awesome short-hand abilities? And she was in school when they transitioned – some of you young ‘uns won’t even know what these are – but they transitioned from manual typewriters to the first IBM Selectrics. Laura was so smokin’ fast on the keys that she broke a couple of those first IBMs because they couldn’t keep up with her.
Did you know Laura was the fastest student – not just fastest girl, but student – at Harrell Elementary? And she proved it several times in an era where girls still wore a dress. She was a powerful athlete. We had an uncle who achieved some international fame as a boxer, and he desperately wanted her to play volleyball because of her athletic ability. Volleyball was the only sports option available to girls at the time.
In honor of a long-time family friend who I see came in from San Antonio, I’ll mention Laura’s favorite two teams were always the Texas Longhorns and whoever was playing the other University of Texas in Norman.
Did you know Laura was a regular blood donor? She gave several gallons, and this was only fitting for three reasons. First, Laura was smashed pretty badly in a car crash many years ago. A great family friend here in the audience helped Laura find a blue Ford Granada. I don’t have the adjectives to describe the way that car was mangled with her in it, and the ferocity of that wreck gave her whiplash and migraine headaches. Both of these tormented her the rest of her life.
But also, I cannot count the number of operations Laura survived. Oh, the Red Cross had a frequent customer in her on that end as well! She had either four or five on her left knee alone, and many, many others.
Amazingly, though, did you know Laura survived something that seems to only happen in Peru or someplace like that? Or even right out of a Hollywood production? Did you know Laura survived an airliner crash? Coming into DFW from a visit to family, two pilots whose names we’ll never know found themselves with landing gear that would not come down. You’re hearing me correctly. Those pilots scraped that thing down onto the runway just right and saved her life and the hundred-plus others on that plane. They popped open those yellow exit slides, and Laura left that plane sliding down on her bottom. That one shook her. But years later, to go see family, guess what she did? She climbed on another airliner. I don’t know if I could have done that.
I’ll close this “Did You Know?” section with two things about Laura’s ability to find humor in serious situations. Now part of this comes from how well-known Dad was as a singer. Many people would want him to sing at the funeral of their dearly departed. He’d take us along and we’d try to be respectful, but we didn’t know who was in the casket and frankly, to us it was “just another funeral.” With that kind of boredom, the smallest things make you laugh because the pressure’s on – you know if you make a noise you’re gonna get busted when you get back in the car!
It was during these kinds of services as well as weddings and worship services that we discovered Laura had the loudest growling stomach of anyone we’d ever met! You didn’t have to be sitting next to her, either – you could hear her stomach two pews away.
I’ll give you one more example of her laughing during serious times because fittingly, it happened in this very room. You’ve probably noticed a sign in more and more small towns as you drive through that says, “City Ordinance – No Engine Braking.” Those signs are there because eighteen wheelers make tremendous noise when they elect to slow down by downshifting instead of using their brakes. Now think about where we are in this room right next to I-44. Back in the day, there was no elevated freeway here, but rather a long row of stoplights as all of this traffic poured through.
Now y’all get this picture. Laura was part of a little group I had over here to the side for the singing. The preacher was wrapping up his speech and was in the midst of his prayer. That was our cue to be ready. Sure enough, this truck came by just on the other side of that wall and did the loudest WAW-WAW-WAW-WAW you’ve ever heard just as the preacher finishes! Now that hit Laura’s funny bone just right. She started by putting her hand over her mouth, but then she got the whole pew shaking and almost fell on the floor trying to contain her laughter as I am starting the group singing. Guess what song it was? I’m not making this up. Laura’s busting a gut laughing while I’m leading, “Sing And You’ll Be Happy!” Laura had the happy part down pat.
She was a great sister. I hope you’ll be in the same mindset I am today of thinking that this is not goodbye, but rather goodbye for now…
I had not planned on speaking. While driving to the funeral home the day before the service, it dawned on me that much of the packed house would be from her places of work – people who only knew her serious side. The outline I see here on my desk formed in my mind as I drove, and I asked my family if I could deliver it. The speech was only a small part of a great service that lifted everyone’s spirits, and many people thanked me for giving it. To them, I say it was an honor to speak for such a great lady.)
On behalf of the family, I thank you for your presence today to help us celebrate the life of Laura Gann. We wish to publicly thank the one leading our singing and these two preachers behind me for the loan of their talents to help us.
I asked my family if I could use this time to interject some comedy. That may seem odd to many of you at first because several here only knew the serious side of Laura. I want you to come to know a different side of my sister. There will be a potluck tonight after the burial and you are all invited, and we will tell many more stories there, but life being what it is I understand many of you will have other obligations. For your sake, there are some items I can’t let pass without mention.
Now that she lies here in state, it is time to address a particular group of people that are in this audience and dismiss two myths that have surrounded Laura for decades. To all of the sweet ladies at church who are over 65 who have told me all of my life how “sweet” and “quiet” Laura always was, I am raising my voice to tell you SHE WAS NEITHER SWEET NOR QUIET!
Sweet? I guess the case could be made that she was sweet every once-in-a-while. I saw it in her – once. But listen; the two happiest days of my life were 1) when I got married and 2) the day I finally got big enough to whip her so I didn’t have to be her punching bag anymore!
Laura was the unmatched master of the set-up, and she could lie in wait for months if need be until the time was right and then BAM! When you didn’t see it coming, she got you with the sucker punch right in the kidney and down you went. Let me tell you just how “sweet” she was. I don’t see him in the audience, but I made sure a certain gentleman knew about this service. He was a former employee at the driver’s license division along with Laura. This fella was quite a character and considered himself a pretty fair prankster. Now I don’t know what this fella did to become the target of Laura’s sweetness – in fact, I don’t know if he did anything to her personally! – but something happened because she put him in her sights.
I was a little boy at the time so I didn’t know the whole plan but I remember Laura and Mom in the kitchen making fresh fried pies. Oh they were beautiful! The kitchen smelled so good. I remember Laura and Mom giggling when they stuck a toothpick into one and only one particular pie.
I wasn’t at her workplace, of course, so all of this is second-hand, but they conveniently had a staff meeting where Laura started handing out these pies. Now this fella and I have one thing in common – we both have very big mouths. He got that fried pie and put about half of it in his mouth. Those onions and jalapenos and caballeros hit his taste buds and he turned beet red and started jumping up and down! And wouldn’t you know, somebody had arranged for all the liquids to be gone from the meeting room!
I see several of her co-workers from the auditor’s office here and I understand they have their own story about Laura regarding snowman poop, but I’m just gonna let you wonder about that one…
But not only did she have you ladies fooled about being sweet, she really pulled the wool over your eyes about being quiet! If I had a nickel for every time you told me how sweet she was, I could go on a cruise. But if I had that same nickel for every time I had to bite my tongue while you told me how quiet she was, we could all get on the ship! Yet I couldn’t say anything to you ‘cause I was raised right; my parents taught me to respect my elders so I’d just look at you knowing you had completely lost your mind!
One of the things Dad was most proud about of his sons was that we were all willing to lead singing. I’d take my turn on a Sunday morning and when the service was over you same sweet ladies would tell me what a good job I did and how you could tell I was W. A.’s son, etc. Hey – I could barely make it across the parking lot before Laura would start in on my case!
“Why did you lead those songs? Were you determined to ruin everybody’s day? Those are the worst songs in the book! I don’t know why anybody would even want to come back after that! Were you trying to bring us all down?” Etc.
Laura didn’t have a quiet day in her entire life, and she was especially not quiet or sweet if anyone said anything about her nephews or nieces. If you did in her presence, you were climbing into the ring for the great catfight of all time and you were gonna bleed.
Having addressed you sweet ladies over 65, I want to talk to the whole group with a section I’ve called, “Did you know?”
Did you know Laura went to state in high school because of her awesome short-hand abilities? And she was in school when they transitioned – some of you young ‘uns won’t even know what these are – but they transitioned from manual typewriters to the first IBM Selectrics. Laura was so smokin’ fast on the keys that she broke a couple of those first IBMs because they couldn’t keep up with her.
Did you know Laura was the fastest student – not just fastest girl, but student – at Harrell Elementary? And she proved it several times in an era where girls still wore a dress. She was a powerful athlete. We had an uncle who achieved some international fame as a boxer, and he desperately wanted her to play volleyball because of her athletic ability. Volleyball was the only sports option available to girls at the time.
In honor of a long-time family friend who I see came in from San Antonio, I’ll mention Laura’s favorite two teams were always the Texas Longhorns and whoever was playing the other University of Texas in Norman.
Did you know Laura was a regular blood donor? She gave several gallons, and this was only fitting for three reasons. First, Laura was smashed pretty badly in a car crash many years ago. A great family friend here in the audience helped Laura find a blue Ford Granada. I don’t have the adjectives to describe the way that car was mangled with her in it, and the ferocity of that wreck gave her whiplash and migraine headaches. Both of these tormented her the rest of her life.
But also, I cannot count the number of operations Laura survived. Oh, the Red Cross had a frequent customer in her on that end as well! She had either four or five on her left knee alone, and many, many others.
Amazingly, though, did you know Laura survived something that seems to only happen in Peru or someplace like that? Or even right out of a Hollywood production? Did you know Laura survived an airliner crash? Coming into DFW from a visit to family, two pilots whose names we’ll never know found themselves with landing gear that would not come down. You’re hearing me correctly. Those pilots scraped that thing down onto the runway just right and saved her life and the hundred-plus others on that plane. They popped open those yellow exit slides, and Laura left that plane sliding down on her bottom. That one shook her. But years later, to go see family, guess what she did? She climbed on another airliner. I don’t know if I could have done that.
I’ll close this “Did You Know?” section with two things about Laura’s ability to find humor in serious situations. Now part of this comes from how well-known Dad was as a singer. Many people would want him to sing at the funeral of their dearly departed. He’d take us along and we’d try to be respectful, but we didn’t know who was in the casket and frankly, to us it was “just another funeral.” With that kind of boredom, the smallest things make you laugh because the pressure’s on – you know if you make a noise you’re gonna get busted when you get back in the car!
It was during these kinds of services as well as weddings and worship services that we discovered Laura had the loudest growling stomach of anyone we’d ever met! You didn’t have to be sitting next to her, either – you could hear her stomach two pews away.
I’ll give you one more example of her laughing during serious times because fittingly, it happened in this very room. You’ve probably noticed a sign in more and more small towns as you drive through that says, “City Ordinance – No Engine Braking.” Those signs are there because eighteen wheelers make tremendous noise when they elect to slow down by downshifting instead of using their brakes. Now think about where we are in this room right next to I-44. Back in the day, there was no elevated freeway here, but rather a long row of stoplights as all of this traffic poured through.
Now y’all get this picture. Laura was part of a little group I had over here to the side for the singing. The preacher was wrapping up his speech and was in the midst of his prayer. That was our cue to be ready. Sure enough, this truck came by just on the other side of that wall and did the loudest WAW-WAW-WAW-WAW you’ve ever heard just as the preacher finishes! Now that hit Laura’s funny bone just right. She started by putting her hand over her mouth, but then she got the whole pew shaking and almost fell on the floor trying to contain her laughter as I am starting the group singing. Guess what song it was? I’m not making this up. Laura’s busting a gut laughing while I’m leading, “Sing And You’ll Be Happy!” Laura had the happy part down pat.
She was a great sister. I hope you’ll be in the same mindset I am today of thinking that this is not goodbye, but rather goodbye for now…