The Beverly Poolbillies
Ever assembled an above-ground swimming pool?
Ever tried it for the first time with a darling nephew and niece asking constantly how much longer it will take before they can swim in it?
Ever done it with directions that are for a model very close to the one you're handling but not an exact fit?
How about at 105 degrees in July?
Uncles will do amazing things for the kids they love, including learning about "coves" and "skimmer gaskets" and spending hours hoeing weeds out of sand so they won’t grow through the liner.
(Note: please don’t think pool liners are made out of the plastic used by food companies that you can’t tear into with your teeth. That would make too much sense to use a sturdy plastic. No, liners are made out of a blueish rubbery plastic that you can’t step on, allow sand to touch the sides of, or drop. All of which makes its installation a feat requiring Houdini and a good helicopter.)
Our first attempt was a failure. Did you know the side of a 24-foot above-ground circular pool is all one piece of steel? I estimate its weight at 87 million tons but not to worry - the directions say to set the steel roll on a piece of large cardboard (so it won’t sink into the precious sand) and unroll it slowly so you can put it into the placement track a little at a time.
A logical person would think, "Hey - if this weighs 87 million tons how am I gonna move it around the circumference of the pool?" But the directions were written by people who know you are not logical since you are stupid enough to install this yourself instead of paying someone who actually has a clue, so logic flies out the window in the steps and diagrams of the directions.
And this makes me laugh at all the ol' ship captains who were goofy enough to make sails out of cloth. Why use material that tears easily when we proved that a four-foot-tall piece of steel catches all the wind that blows from every direction? The really loud "crash!" when it falls and pops would keep the watchmen in the crow’s nest awake at night. Obviously, the ol' captains never sailed the vast waterways of the rolling plains…
I think the best way to demonstrate this experience of putting up the wall would be for you to take a new roll of tissue paper from the restroom to the back yard, unroll the entire roll in a circle, and make it all stand up at the same time. Bet you didn’t know the wind was blowing that much, did ya?
Our second attempt had the input of more experienced minds (i. e. people who were older). Since the kids could not hold up the wall (they really prefer to be buckled in when riding amusement park rides), we switched to stationary objects. Put into use was - and I am not making this up - the rolling trash can, two headboards, a plastic kids’ house, a Little Tykes slide, two step ladders, three shovels, and two hoes.
Then we discovered the two ends of the wall were 10 inches apart. You guessed it - the ends have to meet exactly with no overlap and certainly no shortage.
Luckily, all the uncles on the project had college degrees so we put all our brains into a frenzy and came up with a collective decision learned from our forefathers eons ago - use the sledge hammer!
From then on it was downhill. The liner went inside, the hose started filling it, and the heat started getting to me. Remember the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies? "So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly - Hills, that is. Swimming pools. Movie stars." For me it was quickly becoming, "Stinking pool! I’m seeing stars!" And I headed inside for the day.
This morning, two uncles report to me there is a flood on the south side of the pool. Talk about your Beverly Poolbillies! I can now add one more job to my list of "Jobs I Hope I Never Do Again."
Ever tried it for the first time with a darling nephew and niece asking constantly how much longer it will take before they can swim in it?
Ever done it with directions that are for a model very close to the one you're handling but not an exact fit?
How about at 105 degrees in July?
Uncles will do amazing things for the kids they love, including learning about "coves" and "skimmer gaskets" and spending hours hoeing weeds out of sand so they won’t grow through the liner.
(Note: please don’t think pool liners are made out of the plastic used by food companies that you can’t tear into with your teeth. That would make too much sense to use a sturdy plastic. No, liners are made out of a blueish rubbery plastic that you can’t step on, allow sand to touch the sides of, or drop. All of which makes its installation a feat requiring Houdini and a good helicopter.)
Our first attempt was a failure. Did you know the side of a 24-foot above-ground circular pool is all one piece of steel? I estimate its weight at 87 million tons but not to worry - the directions say to set the steel roll on a piece of large cardboard (so it won’t sink into the precious sand) and unroll it slowly so you can put it into the placement track a little at a time.
A logical person would think, "Hey - if this weighs 87 million tons how am I gonna move it around the circumference of the pool?" But the directions were written by people who know you are not logical since you are stupid enough to install this yourself instead of paying someone who actually has a clue, so logic flies out the window in the steps and diagrams of the directions.
And this makes me laugh at all the ol' ship captains who were goofy enough to make sails out of cloth. Why use material that tears easily when we proved that a four-foot-tall piece of steel catches all the wind that blows from every direction? The really loud "crash!" when it falls and pops would keep the watchmen in the crow’s nest awake at night. Obviously, the ol' captains never sailed the vast waterways of the rolling plains…
I think the best way to demonstrate this experience of putting up the wall would be for you to take a new roll of tissue paper from the restroom to the back yard, unroll the entire roll in a circle, and make it all stand up at the same time. Bet you didn’t know the wind was blowing that much, did ya?
Our second attempt had the input of more experienced minds (i. e. people who were older). Since the kids could not hold up the wall (they really prefer to be buckled in when riding amusement park rides), we switched to stationary objects. Put into use was - and I am not making this up - the rolling trash can, two headboards, a plastic kids’ house, a Little Tykes slide, two step ladders, three shovels, and two hoes.
Then we discovered the two ends of the wall were 10 inches apart. You guessed it - the ends have to meet exactly with no overlap and certainly no shortage.
Luckily, all the uncles on the project had college degrees so we put all our brains into a frenzy and came up with a collective decision learned from our forefathers eons ago - use the sledge hammer!
From then on it was downhill. The liner went inside, the hose started filling it, and the heat started getting to me. Remember the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies? "So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly - Hills, that is. Swimming pools. Movie stars." For me it was quickly becoming, "Stinking pool! I’m seeing stars!" And I headed inside for the day.
This morning, two uncles report to me there is a flood on the south side of the pool. Talk about your Beverly Poolbillies! I can now add one more job to my list of "Jobs I Hope I Never Do Again."